26 Jul What not to wear
Right, here you go, some ‘Emma’s having a nightmare’ comedy gold.
I’ll paint the picture… I’ve woken up, had my customary bowl of ‘Nice Morning’ (thats Bran Flakes to you and me) and a nice tazzina of Lavazza Rosso, I’ve faffed around checking e-mails and the like, I’ve watched a little bit of English trash on the internet to keep in touch with the muddy little island, and at midday I think to myself, “I should get dressed and go out on a job hunt now”.
So off I trot to my wardrobe to select my most convincing Employ-Me outfit, but as I pull the key to open the door, I accidentally lock it. Not a problem, I just turn the key the other way and … oh. It’s just turning and not opening.
So I’ve spent the last hour trying all the DIY-for-girls solutions I can come up with, turning the key a thousand times both ways just hoping it’ll open, trying to pick the lock with a kirby grip, trying all the other keys I can find in the house, Googleing ‘how to open a locked wardrobe’, ‘what do I do when my wardrobe breaks’ and ‘how to pick a broken lock’ (the solutions all inevitably end in ‘use a coathanger’, but we all know where those are kept) until I finally just ended up standing in front of it and shouting ALOE HAMORA!.
The following choices of Employ-Me clothes remain: Aztec leggings, pyjamas, or lycra sports kit.
What’ll it be?